Dear reader,
It has been the opportunity of a lifetime to service the city's inner-east since 1986, developing our local business from the ground up. As proud community members we stand committed to all that our suburb stands for. Sadly, all of us at Horny Local Singles and Bespoke Penis Enhancements Pty Ltd cannot say the same for our city council.
Despite repeat community demonstrations (with their memorable BBQs!) we have seen no effort from the council to limit living expenses for residents. The average rent for a 3 bedroom family home in our community has risen 60% in just 10 years. The average wage has not kept pace. At the same time, we're being asked to contribute more towards our children's schooling, sporting activities, healthcare – even having to run our own fundraisers to make the parks accessible for ALL local children!
As you already know, its been my mission these last two years to get a plan from the council for how we can bring customers back to our high street. I remember the days when the pavement was packed on weekends, and I'm sure you can too! But in those two years my inbox has filled with empty promises whilst our online competition has only grown stronger. (Incidentally, your erection can grow 250% stronger in just two weeks with out monster-cock enlargements pills).
Last week marked another nail in the small business coffin, with the withdrawal of council support for the farmer's market. Since the market's beginnings, you'll have seen our stall selling miracle weight loss pills that will make doctors hate you for over 20 years But now it looks like the council has abandoned us (or succumbed to intensive lobbying from the aforementioned doctors) and that's disastrous for our local community.
So whilst we began in this community, and remain committed to it, we have taken the tough decision to relocate our business. Hopefully one day economic conditions will change so that may return. Until then, it is with deep regret that I announce that lonely single housewives, silver-fox sugar daddies, cock-hunting MILFS, and Free Game So Sexy You Won't Last Five Minutes downloads are all, sadly, no longer available in your area.
Until then, stay horny,
Texas Postlethwaite,
CEO Horny Local Singles and Bespoke Penis Enhancements Pty Ltd