I would NEVER do drugs, but I still want my mum to think I’m cool. How can I make her suspect I’m a pillrat?

Our Agony Aunt's advice:

It is good that you can acknowledge your mother’s power over you, and I'd like to thank you for writing in so candidly with your concerns. Below, I've outlined a quick four-step guide to manipulating your mother's perception of you. Finally, you can appear (but not be) as loose as her heroes.

1. If you’re going to convince, you'll need to commit to the facade. So begin on the offensive and start offering advice and sly nods to your hidden knowledge completely unprompted. Did you ever enjoy a famous Green Mitsubishi? Of course not. But that doesn’t mean you can’t interrupt a nice lunch with friends to tell everyone about your nights on Yellow Nissans or Purple Suzukis. Give this sentence a practice in the mirror at home: "Dude, if you've never taken a Grey Vauxhall Astra in Amsterdam, you're basically a luddite."
2. Get that first step right and everyone will know you like to party. Time to investigate the famous intersection of our pharmaceutical and music industries. Start with any genre and dig deep enough until you find an artist who’s commitment to music stops and starts at a bass line. (Time to buy some Pendulum merch).
3. Book a trip to South America and make sure you tell everyone you're going on a spiritual journey! Once you're there, there's no need to camp out in the Amazon and contract hepatitis. Check out Rio's famous beaches, Bogotá's Gold Museum or even see Machu Picchu. At one point, just remember to grab a couple generic photos of a Peruvian rainforest from Instagram and post them as your own.
4. Time for more practice in front of that mirror:
   
   "So I took Ayahuasca and I realised this: for some its all about the party, but not for me. My calling is to be a 'neuronaut'. What's that? Well, a neuronaut is like an astronaut, except for the mind. My rocket ship is chemicals, and my NASA is my dealer (which doesn't sound very similar, but Micheal works part-time at an Amcal, so he's basically a chemical engineer). When I get high, I'm out there on the next frontier of human discovery, riding these huge waves of knowledge, pushing the boundaries of the human mind. Do you get what I mean? I'm like Elon Musk in a shed."
   
   Whilst important to know this speech in full, it is likely your mirror will be the only recipient to listen to the full thing.  

Now that you've kitted yourself out in your new identity, travelled the world and even explored space, it's time to face the final boss. Drop in (late) for lunch and see if your Mum's impressed with the effort. Hopefully she doesn't still think you're a dork!